Guess What Sucks

Man I love Fast Times at Ridgemont High.  What happened?

Wow does this guy ever fucking smile?   He must be so deep and introspective that he doesn’t have to smile at all.  Actually… when Sean Penn DOES smile… it has a bittersweet feeling to it, like he is smiling… but not because he is happy.  Its because he is sad.

Sean Penn Sucks.

  So… can someone tell me WHEN exactly this guy became a complete speed bump?   I mean how does one go from teen comedies and fucking madonna to oscar winning actor/director/humanitarian asshole?

   Have you ever seen Mystic River?  I thought it was a good plot and all, but Sean Penn decided to act the shit out of that part to the point where I wanted HIM to die.  Oh my GOD I’m so distraught and empty inside Aughhhhhh…   FUCK.    Does he even bother to notice that real people don’t act like fucking overpaid actors when a tragedy arrives?  Does he think that he is being genuine?  I hope not.

   He also sucks for being one of the many actors to heroically portray a retarded person in a movie.  This is immediate grounds for being a complete douchebag and worthy of crucifixion.  He is a rich Hollywood speed bump who is playing a mentally handicapped person.  I’m sorry but I think that’s not only pompous and arrogant,  but its demeaning to retards everywhere.  Thanks Sean Penn… you really showed me how to give a shit and give second chances to retards.  Asshole.

Oh and all the humanitarian efforts?  Motherfucker please the LAST thing anyone needs is some nosey egotistical knob sticking his fat rich speed bump nose into things like politics or diplomacy.  He doesnt know whats going on,  no matter how many internet websites he trolls or how many newspapers from other countries he reads in his open toed slippers while sipping mimosas on his veranda in Spain.

“Oh but at least he is doing something with his fame and his worldly riches.  He is doing more than most people”

  Trust me.  People that are really in the position to help out and make a difference fucking HATE a stupid celebrity trying to look like they know what they are doing.  Do you honestly think that politicians and officials enjoy some ACTOR trying to be more important than he really is? Hey thanks alot Mr. Penn, but your guilt has now been lifted… you are free to move about and feel better about yourself, oh and thanks for all the $$$$$$.   That’s the real reason they put up with it;  Its because he is rich rich rich.  Its like a big act just to show that he is MORE than a millionaire speed bump with no soul. Sorry… I’m not buying this horseshit.

  I demand to know exactly WHO Sean Penn is giving handjobs to in Hollywood for his credibility.  I want to see in writing how many sloppy, wet handjobs hes given for his fame.

    HEY!  Whats a cheap and stupid way to mingle with strangers… eat shitty food… and pretend you have a social life???   Potlucks. 

Oh and guess what?  They Suck.

   The worst culinary invention ever to hit suburban America, the Potluck.  This seemingly harmless event can easily turn into a night of torture and despair.
Let’s first address the thoughts running through your head right now after hearing such a statement:

“but where else can i have Crab Rangoonalong side a nice Chicken and Cheetohs Casserole?”

   I’m sorry but the day i need to have Jello stuffed inside a Calzone is the day i will probably find a very tall building and swan dive off of it.  These things are terrible and not only are you forced to eat ’shit’, but you have to talk about said ’shit’.  overheard at many a Potluck:

“Oh my god Sarah, you made this from scratch?  It was delightfully ’sinful’.  Where did you come up with such an innovative
idea?  Adding those chopped up Corndogs to the Fettuccini was dazzling to say the least. Leaving the wooden sticks in it was pure genius.”

   These conversations are unavoidable and will consume you for the next three hours. When i say three hours, I mean sitting and waiting for everyone to show up with food for the first two hours. You will then get about ten minutes to scavenge like wild turkeys for the sludge thats been put out on the table.  At this point you’re really so hungry you’ll eat anything and everything.  You are a Potluck whore who is easier than any drunken fraternity girl.

   Finally, it is an unwritten rule that you can never say anything bad about the food.  Nothing critical or even remotely negative can come from your mouth or emoted from your face. If so, you will be the outcast and forced to sit alone and eat the cold leftovers. You’ll get the crust from the green bean and tofu pie, or the leftover sauce from the marshmallow and zucchini loaf.  Don’t forget the
fact that you’ll probably spend at minimum fifteen dollars on a dish and will in no way walk away feeling like you got your money’s worth. 

   In fact you’ll probably walk away with a few less friendships and an empty stomach.

Written by guest writer and aficionado of things that suck…  Dr. Roger.

   Man do I love me some Sopranos.    I know people say it is or was the best show on television… and they are probably right.  Its an amazing show with so many facets its difficult to pinpoint all of them.  The show ended a while ago… and looking back and watching the show again I was pleased and delighted to be able to take it all in one more time.  Seasons one all the way through to five. 

   I couldn’t help but notice however that the 6th season totally sucks a fat cock in comparison.  I was watching it and aside from a few things, it all seemed kinda boring.  Its strange because I don’t ever recall thinking that The Sopranos was EVER boring.  It crawls along… like something grand or supreme was about to happen, but nothing.

The 6th Season of the Sopranos Sucked.

   The show was INCREDIBLE during the first 5 seasons.  I’ve heard people bitch and moan about seasons 4 and 5… and they can put on a pair of cement shoes and jump in the Hudson.  There is a flow to the show up to the end of the 5th season that cannot be denied.  The 6th season comes in all wrong… way too late… and begging for the viewer to give a shit.  I did some homework and found out that there was almost 2 years of space between the 5th and 6th seasons on HBO.   2 years?   I’m sorry but that sounds like the writers and creators were burned out and had to come back because of a contract or something.  The viewers wanted more… and they got more.  More shit.

    When the show started they had writers who were bucking standards and taking risks… but after a long and much needed break… went into this “asshole gear” where it seriously seems like they were trying to write AGAINST viewer expectations.  To water down the show and place meaning where was there was just a barely decent plot.   All the while doing this under the guise af artistic license.

   To put it plainly… good writing requires making choices, and David Chase decided to not make a choice at all… but to drone on as if NOTHING would bring it to an end.  Im sorry but this kind of artsy fartsy non ending shit is just fine in your french existential films and whatnot… but this is a FUCKING TV SHOW.  So get over yourself and your massive ego and quit giving each other handjobs for two fucking seconds and think of a way to END the show… you know… because its ENDING!!!!!

Totally weak.

   Who was the fucking retard that decided to push this lame idea on the public?   Hey lets take rich creamy ice cream and freeze it to the point it looks like gravel.  Maybe morons will eat it and rant about it to their friends.  Assholes. 

Dippin’ Dots Suck.

   They say Dippin’ Dots is the “Ice Cream of the Future!”   I hope I die before the future gets here because its going to suck a wet turd when all these douchebags are walking around eating futuristic desserts.  Why is it futuristic anyways?  Ice cream is a luxury and when the bombs fall… NOBODY will be able to eat it!!!

   So Ive had Dippin’ Dots a few times and it took me that many times to realize how its nothing but a cheap gimmick of repackaging something people already like.  First off it looks like little pebbles or rocks.  Gravel is not appetizing looking to anybody.  It does not make anyone’s mouth water.  Eating Dippin’ Dots make me feel like I’m eating flavorless dry cat or dog food…  that melts into ice cream.  I love Ice cream!!!  Why do I have to eat these little frozen rocks to get ice cream?!?!?!  It was driving me insane and I could not enjoy it.  I was surrounded by assholes who were ranting and raving about how “different” and “tasty” it is.  Huh?  This?  

   Ice cream is a delicious and smooth desert dream!!!  Nobody hates ice cream!!!  Its amazing in many many ways from in a cone to on a sandwich to whatever.  You really cant go wrong with ice cream.

Well YES you can… and YES they did.

I’m gonna go get some soft serve and watch a futuristic, post-apocalyptic action movie.  No Ice cream there.

   OK I am really getting sick and motherfucking tired of computer generated effects in movies.  Its just gone too far. Its a beast that has gotten too big for its oversized expensive pants. I cant even sit through a lot of movies anymore because of all the worthless creative masturbating that is going on.   It started as a tool to make movies better… but has now been overdone and overused to the point of being nauseating.  CGI has officially made special effects NOT special.  Its a good idea gone bad and its threatening to ruin and make obsolete a century of film making artistry.

CGI sucks.

   I’m just getting tired of this bullshit that they keep trying to pawn off to the public.  If you watch movies that were made in the 80’s to early 90’s… you can see the level of special effects were incredible.  They were doing the best they could with what they had… and there was a real art to it.  Make up artists and miniature models and blue screens and film overlays and all the techniques Hollywood used had come to a head, and it was working very well.  Amazing films like Close Encounters of the Third Kind and Superman to name a few.  These movies used what they had and there is a certain realness to it that makes the films believable and enjoyable. 

Fast forward to now.

   Every movie I fucking see has some ridiculous computer flexing its digital muscles for me to ooohh and ahhh at.   Sorry I’m not buying it anymore.  It seems like one of the things a movie is measured on nowadays is their special effects and if they looked real or not.   Like “Well the movie sucked… but the effects were cool”   Who gives a shit about whether they were cool or not?   Who gives a shit if they looked real?   I mean fucking give me a break… how does ANYONE know what an alien spaceship looks like… or a giant green radioactive monster… or creatures from other worlds or what the fuck ever they are trying to convey?   These are things that do not exist in nature… so nobody knows if it looks REAL or not.  Its NOT real at all!!!!!   Its a movie!!!!!!   CGI should be a tool that can make a movie more realistic… not a crutch that the entire film is standing on.

Wanna know what a prime example of this hapless and uncreative way of making movies? 

   The movie 300.    I’m sorry I couldn’t even get past the first 10 minutes before I turned it off and threw it away in the nearest garbage can.  Its so fucking unwatchable that I didn’t even return it to the video store for fear that some asshole would watch it and like it.   I felt like I was watching a goddamn video game.   Another example is Sin City.   That fucking movie is watchable to a point… until my head starts pounding like a pornstar trying to take it all in.  Its just overkill.  Maybe the kids like it, but they don’t remember anything before Jurassic Park anyways.

   I understand that CGI allows filmmakers to do what has never been done before.  I’ve heard arguments about how it has broadened the limits of creativity and how it makes things easier and makes images more realistic looking.

   I agree with most of that… but to say that CGI makes things look more real is about as beleiveable as me pooping a canned ham (which wouldnt be that tough to depict in a film with CGI).  It DOESNT make things look more real.  Depending on the level of quality… CG can ruin a movie, stop it dead in its tracks, and elicit boos and sour faces from an audience.  The difference between now and 20 years ago is that everyone KNEW that special effects were not real.  Now Hollywood uses computers to try and dupe us into thinking something is real… and it doesnt work.  There used to be tricks in making movies.  Now with CGI… no tricks are needed.   You can depict and show anything you want.  That sounds great in theory, but doesn’t unlimited variety kinda lower the bar just a little bit?   If you can have anything you want… whats the point?   Think of Chinese buffets.  Would you rather eat Chinese food… or go to a HUGEmega Chinese buffet with every imaginable food item on it?   Is ANY of it really any good?  

  Would making a movie about talking dinosaurs who fly in spaceships fighting terminator machines on Mars be any good?  Probably not… but they can do it thanks to CGI.

   I hope that all this pointless idiocy creates a backlash of filmmakers that REFUSE to use computer generated imagry in their movies.   It would be nice to see people using their skills and craftsmanship to create better movies instead of being on the cutting edge.

   You suck. Oh my fucking god.  I want to speed up and ignore my destination just so I can follow you to wherever it is you are going and pick you off when you exit your automobile. 

   I want to accelerate my automobile until it is side by side yours on the highway. Then I would pull out a sawed off shotgun and aim it at your worthless face and pull the trigger… watching your worthless face become a spraying mass of blood red, and brain matter grey.  

    I want to follow your car around town and pelt it with rotten vegetables and eggs while singing Ryan Adams songs at the top of my lungs and hold up naked pictues of Michael Jackson.

   I want to take that cellular telephone out of your hand and shove it up your stupid asshole while a Burger King fry boy fucks your mouth and you are forced to watch Batman with Jack Palance.

   I want to take your seat belt and wrap it around your neck… tie it to the back of my car… and drag you around a field of broken glass while I blast the Eagles.

   I want to call up your mother and steal her social security number and identity and charge hundreds of dollars worth of sex toys and child pornography to her Discover card. 

   I want to take you to a Sigur Rós concert.

   I want to dig up your grandmother and create a work of art out of her bones and give to you as a fucking wedding present.

   I want to grab you out of your stupid fucking car and knock you out with ether and then take you to a shitty motel with hourly rates and pay a tattoo “artist” to ink a huge tat of Billy Crystal’s face on your chest… licking one of your nipples.

   I want to feed you Subway sandwiches with nothing on them but green bell peppers and ketchup and Tabasco while you’re forced to listen to Jack Johnson while watching Carlos Mencia do stand up in Hell with Al Pacino as your waiter.

   I want you to swallow my poop.  You suck.

     I think Subway is a magical place.  They must employ hundreds of wizards and warlocks posing as “sandwich artists” all over the country.  The reason I believe that is this; When I’m getting my sandwich made… I never see the sandwich leave the counter. Weird huh???   I never actually SEE any employee take my sandwich… go into the back… and sit on it,  with their fat sweaty ass.   

   YET every time I eat a Subway sandwich… it tastes like someone sat on it, with their FAT…SWEATY… ASS.

   Subway Sucks.

   Let me first say that great sandwich shops are not easy to come by.  There is a universal method to making a good sandwich.  One KEY factor in this is that the sum is NEVER greater than its parts.  You gotta have fresh or at least tasty bread.  Your meats and cheeses and topping all must be of very high quality.  Not everything can be perfect in the sandwich world all the time. So many things can go wrong.   Stale, dry bread or sub par ingredients can ruin a sandwich… and a sandwich shop… for good.

   Subways slogan is “Eat Fresh“.  What?   Seriously?  It should read “Eat My Ass” because thats what it tastes like.  Someones anus where poo poo comes from.

   The employees at Subway are called “Sandwich Artists“.  Bitch please,  if making sandwiches is an art… then Subway is the Thomas Kinkade of sandwich making. His shitty and artless paintings are the same thing as eating a Subway sandwich and calling it art.  So fuck you “Sandwich Asshole“.  The ONLY time I ever go to Subway is when I cant decide what or where to eat… and it just happens to be the closest thing around. 

   Its a last resort for hunger.

   If you you happen to get to Subway right when the “Sandwich Asshole” is taking the bread out of the oven, it might be edible.  Its usually stale in places and is flavorless.  Then they try and have different toppings for my bread… like cheese or seeds or something.  It sucks.  Stop trying so hard. 

   Veggies always taste like they are not so fresh… tomatos are mealy… onions are badly chopped… I always find myself putting olives on Subway sandwiches just to make them interesting.  My point here is that I shouldn’t NEED to do anything to make a sandwich more interesting.  Especially if I’m paying to have someone make it for me.  I always want the fucking things to be bigger or more substantial than they really are.  There isn’t anything special about anything at Subway.  I mean I feel like I could make a better CHEAPER sandwich at home. 

   I’d pay cash money to see Thomas Kinkade eating at a Subway.  He would be complete with tuxedo and a silver candelabra, and would beckon passersbys to come enjoy his shitty excuse for a sandwich.  Then his eyes would glow like hellfire, and he would speak in satanic tongues about ruling the world from an art studio in hell… an art studio that supplies nothing but Subway Cold Cut Combos to its prisoners… uhh I mean students.

   Anyways.

   Subway is a turd, and it sucks.

Guess what totally fucking sucks?  Tattoos.  

What???   What do you mean they suck Danny??? They are so cool looking and unique!!!!

Fuck you and your stupid waste of money.    Hey I have a few hundred bucks and no personality… maybe I should get a tattoo.

   It seems like its a right of passage for a lot of people.  Young girls will get something cute on (insert obvious body part here)…  artsy weirdos with too much money will get something REALLY unique and will even have a “guy” that they go to for it.  People in rock bands fucking LOVE tattoos.  I’m not sure where this trend came from, but man does it make you look awesome!!!!  It really completes the whole ego driven shithead look youre trying to master.  Some women get them because they think it gives off a dangerous or sexy vibe.  Wow.  Way to go figuring that one out.  Guess what slut?   Men are always going to want to fuck women… with or without tattoos.  Fratboys and rednecks love funny and silly tattoos.  I mean they are just so funny man… shit!!! 

   It brings people together… showing and comparing their “ink”.  It makes them feel special… and part of a club or dare I say family?  Alot of folks have at one time or another imagined themselves with a tattoo.  People of all income brackets and nationalities can all bond together and throw money away on something that should be reserved for four groups of people.

1.) Soldiers

2.) Pirates, sailors, or anyone whose job it is to ride the high seas

3.) Hookers

4.) Convicts

   If you do not fall into one of these categories, but have one or many tattoos… chances are pretty great that you are a total speedbump and a lameass. 

I will explain.

   Ive heard that ”My tattoos are for me… and not for anyone else”.  Really?   So you have your arms and legs covered in tattoos for the whole fucking world to see… but they are for YOU.  Sure.  So that’s why you chose to have a tattoo in a spot where you KNEW people would see it.  You go out and buy clothes that will accentuate or enhance the tattoo that’s supposedly just for you.   I don’t even have to make a point here.  Its already been proven.

  Some tattoos are meaningful or are meant to remind a person of something.  A loved one… a family member… a place or a time… whatever sentimental reason you have.   OK so am I supposed to believe that you have no other way to remember things or ideas or people?  You’ve got a brain… USE IT!!!  Tattoos are just trendy ways for people to show the world what they are all about.  Its even better when they are hidden from plain view… because it allows the person to show you at the moment of their choice.  It immediately gets attention from both sexes when tattoos are being shown.  People have nothing better to do then desecrate their bodies in the name of art or ideology?   Really?  They are glorified conversation pieces

  Some people try to pass off tattoos as art.   This is particularly evident in the world of tattoo addicts.  You know who they are.  These people are so boring and uninteresting that they feel the need to cover themselves in tattoos in an attempt to be a person with a normal level of self worth.  If they had THREE arms, they’d cover them with tattoos.  Do these people get depressed when they run out of skin?  What do they do afterwards?  Do they get suicidal?  I mean there is nothing for them to do anymore.  No way to grow as a person or show their eccentricities to the world.  All they will do is get older and let gravity ruin their precious artwork.  Morons.

Enjoy needles and pain?  Get a fucking leather daddy you stupid poser and waste your money there.  At least it keeps the illegal sex trade moving.  Sex slaves rule.

  “But Danny… its a native practice that dates back thousands of years and… SHUT THE FUCK UP”.  Ive actually had people try and spin this turd off as an explanation to a greater meaning of tattoos.  What a bunch of dicks.  This is the 21st century people!!!  Its not the Dark Ages anymore and we don’t have to run around throwing spears or rocks at each other while being afraid of a god that doesn’t exist.  We are past that.  We have EVOLVED, so don’t gimme that stupid bullshit cuz I aint buying it.

  You might be thinking “Well whats so wrong with looking cool Danny?  Maybe it is YOU that sucks!!!”

   Nothing is wrong with looking cool.  Hell looking cool is fucking awesome and if you ARE cool… then more power to ya.  The problem here is that Tattoos give the APPEARANCE of being cool.  They use naive peoples eyes to try and convince you that they are cool, when they are just in fact, only sometimes… cool LOOKING.  If they WERE cool in reality… no tattoos would be needed.  You wouldn’t have anything to prove or anything to convey.  Everyone just knows it already.

    People who have to pay someone to make them LOOK cool.  That’s not cool.  That sucks.

   Wow what a total waste of every ones time.  A giant group of rich assholes all wearing their best spandex and running for some who gives a shit cause.   Some of them push strollers… some bring their dogs… but ALL of them are useless twats with no better way to make themselves feel superior.

Marathons suck.

   Next time you see a marathon… look at the runners closely.  Its like a fucking blizzard there is so much WHITE.  White upper class fucksticks who just ADORE the idea of doing something for an important cause.  Regular people don’t run in marathons, just people who really like to feel good about themselves for doing nothing.  People that crave accomplishments and accolades like dogs love eating their own shit.  

   After their unimportant and utterly useless show of human compassion… they like to remember it forever.  They keep the little number they wore… or a piece of “YOU DID IT!!!” paper…or maybe even a picture of them running in the marathon breaking a sweat.  They will pull this out of a drawer or a shoebox every now and then and sigh a huge douchebag sigh of relief knowing that they made a difference.   They too, did run with shorts on,  with other rich white people.  Then they can imagine a child or an elderly person that might have been helped by their pompous spectacle of generosity, and sleep better at night in their giant asshole bed.

   If these fucking people are so concerned with the well being of others… they should go to 3rd world countries and give THEM money.  Donate to a hospital.  Give to homeless shelters.  There are THOUSANDS of ways rich white people can help others.  Not all of them involve the public display of physical excercise for a good cause however.  Well Shit.

  Another reason why Marathons suck a fat cock is that the city will go out of its way to close off streets and entire sections of the city to allow these morons the public space to show off their good deeds.  They cant all run around a huge circle in a field or something. Nobody would see it, or care for that matter.  It MUST be seen.   So regular people trying to get to work or just enjoying their day off have to sit… and wait… wasting precious gasoline and time either waiting for them to pass, or trying to find a way around the line of running ass clowns. All of this… so  that these fucktards can have a number on their chest and a memory of being generous.  Oh and maybe a t-shirt.

   Wanna be generous?   Do you really care?   Then fucking stay home and send a check.  Its more appreciated and Im sure you could even get a trophy or something that proves you helped out in the fight against… whatever. 

        Did you know that I love hot and spicy foods?  I mean LOVE them.  If its possible… I always doctor up my food to make it HOT.  Peppers of all shapes and sizes (except one), sauces and spices all over the place.  Pizza… Sandwiches… Shrimp… Chicken Livers… Eggs… All of these things are made better when they get a zing of extra heat, in my opinion.

   What I don’t like, however, is ruining those foods by dousing them in a wimpy, pseudo spicy sauce that tastes more like vinegar than a real hot sauce.   Tabasco Sauce SUCKS.

   I understand how some people might like their foods to taste cheap spicy vinegar.  That’s fine.  Whatever.  Some people eat tempeh.  Everyone has their own taste.

   What I DONT understand is how Tabasco sauce is the most popular and best selling hot sauce on the market.  This is the best around?  Come on everybody…. lets get our shit together.  We got Cholula, Sriracha, and all fucking kinds of Louisiana Hot sauce (which isn’t really so much hot as it is zingy and tasty).  We can do better than this.

   Why is it so popular?  Maybe its because its fucking everywhere around us like a huge, corporate vulture who is lying to you.  Its run by a huge asshole family of stooges and they will stop at nothing from convincing you that Tabasco sauce is the superior choice amongst Americans.  They will try and scare you into thinking that only a communist or terrorist rebel would use anything else.  This is the lie that fools Americans into buying up all the shitty, vinegary,  butt sauce.                                                                   

     You see… Tabasco sauce was invented by a rich old fucker about 140 years ago.  He was an insane old hoot who lived in a mansion on top of a hill.  He collected guard dogs and ex wives. He had a lot of sons, and they, in turn,  had alot of sons.  They were all registered communists and were notorious for talking loudly about how they would invent a shitty hot sauce, distribute it all over the world, and make billions of dollars so that they could buy their way into American food culture history.  Well congratulations Dr. Tabasco.  You have succeeded.

   You can get Tabasco flavored ketchup (GASP!!!), wear a Tabasco themed necktie, eat Tabasco flavored Cheez-Its, Chips, Pickles, Slim Jims… even Spam.  You can buy bloody larry mixes and tomato juice spiked with Tabasco.    They even offer little bottles of Tabasco for U.S. soldiers who are abroad.  Oh how fucking nice of them.  If I was a soldier,  Id want to be captured and sent to a POW camp so I could ask THEM if I could have a hot sauce that doesn’t taste like the bottom of a jar of pickled sausages.

   I once had a waitress ask me If i wanted any Tabasco sauce for my chicken sandwich at My favorite restaurant of all time… Applebee’s.  I told her to lean down so I could hear her better, and I proceeded to grab my butter knife and jam it into her eye socket.  She screamed… like they ALL do when they ask… and as I looked down at my sandwich, I saw that it was covered in the stupid whores blood. 

Needless to say, that was the best sandwich I ever ate.  Wanna know why?

There was no Tabasco sauce on it.