Please adjust your pants accordingly.

-Admin

~Kevin Spacey

~Network TV dramas that take place in hospitals

~Amy Winehouse

~Oliver Stone

~Sweet Pickle Relish

~Brenden Frasier

~Jay Leno

~John Cougar Mellencamp

    Ive done this for a year off and on (more off than on)  and I want to thank all the readers who posted comments… and Id like to make an offer to those of you who i might have offended with any of the topics brought up in Guess What Sucks.  

    Id like to give you the chance to buy me an Indian food dinner, then perhaps treat me to a movie or a sporting event of some type.  I’m sure after you buy me dinner and entertain me for an evening then you will see that I am quite a sensitive individual and open minded about peoples opinions.

   Then you can get on your hands and knees and enjoy your nightcap… which will consist of licking my asshole until i blow a load all over your fucking face. 

See ya soon with the new more informative and much less offensive NEW blog… COMING SOON!!!!!

   I think there is a small percentage of celebrities who are beyond famous.  These are the people you see on the covers of magazines and tabloids for their lifestyles, and their off screen behavior rather than their professional prowess.   I think this kind of attention slowly warps these people and they slowly change from a normal person… into a botox inflamed twat named Nicole Kidman.

   Nicole Kidman is a marginally talented actress from Australia or as I like to call it “The Alabama of the World”.   She had been an actress since she was a child and has been in lot of mundane little shitbombs that usually tend to capitalize on the fact that shes simply in the movie.  She used to be a cute redhead with a sassy accent, but over the years… something slow and horrible happened inside of her.  Something that would transform her from an aspiring curly haired starlet… to a braindead twat with no talent or natural beauty.

   She recieved her first taste of sweet sweet fame in a movie called “Dead Calm”  a forgettable movie that also starred another waste of space… Billy Zane.   She starred in a collection of other crappy movies that mostly featured her use of vampy looks and awful acting skills.  She was a hot bitch in a car racing movie… she was a hot rich bitch in a movie about Irish immigrants… and she played a hooker in a musical about hookers with hearts of yummy hooker gold.    Oh yeah and she showed her pubes in Billy Bathgate.  I cant stand how she only has 3 expressions.  Sexy… Worried Sexy… and Scared Sexy.   When she smiles it makes my teeth hurt in the same way it hurts when you chew tin foil.  She was poised to become a hugely popular actress and sex symbol.

But this was only the beginning.

   Nicole’s life went from Zero to Dingbat in just a few short events .  The first being her divorce from the greatest actor of the 20th century… Tom Cruise.  This fact alone should prove to anyone beyond a reasonable doubt that she is certifiably koo koo.   Why would anyone in their right mind get married to Tom Cruise… then back out of it?  I mean seriously… who is that crazy???  Ill tell you who;  Nicole Kidman. (and Mimi Rogers but that’s another set of circumstances)  Another of these life changing events came when she won the Best Actress Academy Award for her performance in “The Hours”…  a film about an ugly woman with a huge nose who has no friends and cant pay men to sleep with her.  It was a piece of shit film that makes my eyes burn piss just to see a clip of it.

   After she won the Oscar she pretty much starred in nothing but shitty remakes of tv shows and older better movies.  I wont get into names but I’m sure that if you saw one of them… your genitals would burst into flames and require a damp towel or several hundred band-aids.  She recently had her face removed and stretched and sharpened and replaced with a neoprene covering that closely resembles a human face.  She married a redneck from her homeland and they spend the majority of their time eating barbie shrimp and watching Yahoo Serious movies.

   Nicole Kidman needs to get back on the spaceship she was birthed on and fly back into the cosmos where she belongs.

   I think this consumer society has set in place a way of thinking that every fucking meal they eat has to be prepared by strangers or something.   I understand going out to lunch.  Hell going out to lunch is almost a staple for some people.   Going out to dinner is a pleasant and lovely experience if the food is good and the service is accommodating.  Going out for breakfast though is a by product of lazy stupid people who apparently don’t know how to cook for themselves.

   Seriously… who actually WANTS to get out of bed… get dressed… and DRIVE somewhere and eat overpriced breakfast food with other strangers who just woke up themselves?   Do you know how much eggs cost?  Bacon?   Shit they are DIRT fucking cheap… yet i know dozens of simple minded idiots who for some reason just ADORE the idea of paying 10 bucks for breakfast. 

I’ve heard all the stupid reasons like

Well I just love going out to eat

Really?  you’re a spoiled brat trapped in an adults body.

There is NO way I could make most of the stuff that they serve!!!

   Really?  You’re a lazy asshole and you need to buy a fucking cookbook.  A brain dead monkey with arthritis could make a omelette… and make it better and cheaper than your cute little breakfast place.

Well… its easier and much more trendy and social to go OUT to breakfast than to just make it

   Stop being so fucking afraid of ACTUALLY being social.  If you really gave a shit you’d have your friends over to your HOUSE for breakfast.  That’s right douche nozzle… YOUR FUCKING HOUSE!!!!  Dear lord can you believe that years ago people actually stayed at home and prepared their fast breaking meal in their OWN kitchens?   Holy fucking Jesus it must have been awful!!!   Relaxing at home in your house pants and actually COOKING!!!!

Spoiled bastards.   Eat scrambled eggs off of my nuts.

   Things change.

   For years now I, and countless others, have been attempting to warn our fellow countrymen that the people running the Republican Party right now are not who they want you to think they are. This ain’t my Dad’s GOP, and it hasn’t been for some time. The Neo-Republican charlatans currently in control have only one thing on their mind — amassing wealth and political/global power (in order to amass even more wealth). Everything else is just theater, and secondary to those goals.  Period.

  So how have they managed to keep so many — including rank and file Republicans — believing they have the best interest of the country at heart, even as they proceed, step by step, to demolish the middle class, with their “smash and dash” economic policies?

  Hmmm lets see…  lies, deception, smears, meaningless distractions (lapel pins. pigs with lipstick), phony catch phrases (McCain’s campaign slogan “Country First”), war, terrorism, fear, the dreaded “S” word (socialism) … basically anything they can come up with to keep YOU THE VOTER from focusing on what truly matters to the future of this country, or your own personal well being.

  They’ve become a party dominated by a Dobson/Robertson/Hagee brand of religious extremism (working feverishly to bring about the end of the world and the Rapture), and those who are so overcome by a compulsive need to have it all — and I mean all — that it entirely overwhelms any sense of personal integrity and societal responsibility, making them completely antithetical to a democratic republic. 

  I have always said that I will never vote for a Republican candidate for President, and I don’t know if that will ever change.   Id like to though, and I REALLY mean that.  Id really enjoy seeing a smart, young, vibrant person in the GOP that would break all the molds and binds that has bogged down the party for so long.  A moderate Republican who doesn’t have an hidden agenda or spews completely idiotic statements just for the sake of hearing themselves talk.  Id like to be able to remember my father and believe in a Republican who actually has MY interests in mind, instead of right wing fundamentalists with a moral objection to the way people lead their lives.  Someone who isn’t afraid of pissing off the evangelical base of the GOP.  Someone who can CONNECT with me and other people on a level where we actually believe them and WANT to vote for them, instead of just being the “lesser of two evils” as they call it.  

   Why hasn’t a person like this stepped up to the plate?  Does the GOP SERIOUSLY think that anyone with half a brain connects with Sarah Palin?  Is she the BEST they can do to try and get my attention and more importantly… my vote?  I don’t want to be out right mean, but EVERY SINGLE PERSON Ive talked to or heard talk about Sarah Palin in a positive light seems like a complete and utter moron.  It seems disingenuous and I don’t believe for a second that ANYONE really thinks shes the right person for the job.  

   Im trying Dad… but this is what they are giving me, and Im certain that if you were still alive,  this FUCKING JOKE that the Republicans are trying to pull would make you sick and ashamed and you would throw that card away for good. 

   Well… at least for a couple of elections.

    You know how you see bands that have been around for decades… and you joke with your friends that they are worthless old farts who don’t know when to throw in the towel?   I don’t think that’s a very nice thing to say about these musicians.   A lot of these bands got into it for the long haul and they had no intention of ever stopping.  They don’t know how to be anything else, which is sad, yes…but I think that this is overshadowed buy their sheer resilience and undying will to keep going.   They are doing what they love to do and what they are good at.  I mean what else could Mick Jagger do except be Mick Jagger?  Its not about the money… its about living the dream man.

   This is not the case with the rock band Aerosmith… an uninteresting, boring, cliche rock band that gets much more credit than they deserve despite the fact that they suck a huge boring rock n roll limp dick.

 They are basically the American version of the Rolling Stonesin their 1970’s burnout stage.  They have a big lipped lead singer who struts all over the stage like a rooster and his onstage foil is a quiet and doped up looking fella who plays the same guitar solos over and over again. The other 3 guys nobody gives a shit about, but they are still up there playing and aging so they’re “cool” I guess.  Whatever.  This is pure mimicry… not a single ounce of originality or exciting newness to the material that they claim to hold in such high reverence.  Not a single album or song or stupid note cant be found on albums from dozens of other cliche 70’s rock bands that ALL wanted to be the Stones. They kept on releasing poo poo to the masses until drugs and rock star assholery took over and they split up.

Now these fucking spare tires should have done one of three things

1. Die in a plane crash or some horrific bus accident.

2. Die of drug overdoses

3. Broke up.  STAY broke up.

 Somehow this talentless 3rd rate excuse for a rock band cleaned their act up in the 80’s and reunited to write and record some of the lamest shittiest stupidest rock songs to ever exist.  They somehow got their shit together and went from an bombastic and fairly ordinary rock band to an example of how even rock stars can overcome their addictions and still make great music.  I think they should have had a clause in their record contract that forces them to do loads of speedballs and blow and smack.   So they spread their self righteous ass cheeks wide open off of their high horse and we’ve been eating it ever since.  The list of sub par rock FM radio standards is too long to get into here. But I will make mention of two specific songs that cannot go ignored. 

“Love in an Elevator”~ A song about two people who fall in love in an elevator.  Like that could EVER happen!  Wake up Mr. Tyler!!! Some of these famous types are just too far removed from reality.

&

“Livin’ on the Edge”~ A song about old rock stars who don’t know when to quit rocking while they are living their drug free millionaire asshole lifestyles.

I don’t trust people who really like Aerosmith.  Like when people say…

Oh man they are like my FAVORITE rock band EVER!!!

Really?  Seriously?  I mean you actually go out and pay money for their records? Do you know anything about Rock and (or) Roll???    I bet your favorite thing to eat at an fancy restaurant is the burger on the kids menu… and your favorite ice cream flavor is vanilla.     Ive also heard a lot of people try and say…

Well they’re earlier stuff from the 70’s was good

I don’t think that the handful of material they had in the 70’s is good enough to justify them going on and writing songs like ”Amazing” or “Cryin’”  How far can they go on riding out their early days while they continue releasing records that might as well be made out of horseshit and labeled “for nostalgic purposes only”

Fuck Aerosmith.  Fuck em in the 70’s… fuck em in the 80’s… fuck em now.  Their entire careers have been based on AND allowed to continue by American pop music mediocrity and the audience that follows it.

They suck.

   Joaquin Phoenix.

   He TOTALLY sucks.

    I picked up We Own The Night from the library the other day, thinking, “Hey, here’s a good chance to see Marky Mark and Joaquin Phoenix shoots guns and get laid for an hour and a half.  It even has an Eva Mendez to ogle.  Nobody too cerebral or overstuffed, just a good action flick set mostly at night, mostly in the rain.  I usually eat this gritty cop shit up, and I did until I got into the 20th minute of nonstop cracked-voice brooding from Joaquin.  Jesus Christ, dude, push your hair back, open your eyes, and quit crying for two fucking seconds.  The guy only has one facial expression, a clumsy mash-up of slightly tipsy and “my dog just died.”  Even when he cracks the rare smile, it’s forced and pathetic. 

   And then there’s Gladiator, which is essentially the same guilt-ridden angstycharacter, but with a faggy caesar haircut.  Remember in Gladiator how all the bitchin action and Russell Crowe amazingosity would stop for no apparent reason other than to showcase the weepy, dark-eyed awkwardness of Joaquin?  He was the worst part of an otherwise excellent flick. 

   “But wait, what about Walk The Line?  He learned guitar and sang all those songs himself!” 

   So fucking what?!  Johnny cash wasn’t a brilliant musician because he could play those songs, but because he could WRITE those songs.  Those songs are easy as hell to play, and millions of people all over the world can do a bad Johnny Cash impression. 

   Oh, and Cash didn’t have a hair lip, you disfigured shit.

   The wrong brother died!!!!!!!!

   Wow.  Never in my life have been exposed to such self adulation and regard than at a fucking art show.  It doesn’t matter if the person is talented or not.  Being an artist doesn’t even require talent.  Thousands and thousands of years of self expression reduced down to a bunch of quippy ass clowns standing around with cheap wine in their hands… jerking each other off and saying out loud what they should keep inside their heads.

This is Art.  Art sucks.

You see… this is a pretty touchy subject with alot of people.    I mean art is beautiful.  It touches people in ways that other things cannot, and people take things VERY personally when it comes to art.  It defines culture doesn’t it?  Doesn’t art bridge the gap between what makes us animals… and what makes us human?

Not anymore.

  Art is now a giant masturbation factory.  Nobody outside the art world gives a shit… and come to think of it, most people in the art world don’t give a shit about art that much either.  People who know nothing about art will pay top dollar for something a fucking child could ve done in 10 minutes.   Then the artist will grow a massive ego about said sold art and proceed to stroke their imaginary artistic cocks about it, in public… in private… ANYWHERE that ANYONE would even hear it.  There is a certain air of pompous assholery that bleeds from these peoples pores… infecting anyone around them.  The real shame, however, is that 95% of modern art is complete and total shit.   Its not interesting or original or even pleasant to look at.  It is simply there as pornography for the eyes of the artist in hopes that SOMEONE will see it and compliment it.  Which everyone will do.

    Lets face it.  Nobody is going to tell someone that their art sucks a fat mule dick.  Its just impolite.  So what happens?  You get an armada of self righteous douchebags walking around acting like they are on some other plane of existence from the “common folk”   Give me a motherfucking break.  I could pick up a dozen sheets of paper… shit on all of them… use some hot glue and some glitter… hang em up and BANG!!!  Look who’s an up and coming artist.  Its meaningless self gratification and nobody cares about it except the artist and their massive ego. 

   Wanna know whats even more sickening?  The fact that people pay tens of thousands of dollars so that they can say this sentence:

“I went to art school”

   It makes my head hurt in ways i cannot describe to know that there are people whose lives hang in the balance over the issue of a few hundred dollars, yet others will fork over a small fortune to be a douchebag.  You want some recognition?    Here’s a piece of paper with your name on it.  Now Im going to wipe my ass with it.  Here you go.  Could I have 30 grand please?  its a fucking scam and I pity the person that falls for it.

“Wow Danny… you are completely out of touch with culture and you are so ignorant and stupid.  Fuck you”

No  Fuck art and the people who grease up the artistic assholes who buy it and sell it and make it.  I’m setting the record straight.  Art has become furniture.  It is there simply to exist and to make talentless spare tires feel like they are accomplishing something.  You wanna feel good about yourself?  Suck my balls.  Ill give you a cookie afterwards and you can show all your friends how AMAZING you are at sucking balls. 

and he SUCKS.

This poor son of a Mariachi Violinist first surfaced in the late 60’s,  covering the world in a golden shower of  self-indulgent Mexi-Jazz-Blues.

 “But wait he’s so talented…  You have to admit that.” 

    Well you know what? So are the members of Dragon Force. Talent is overrated. Yeah, I wish I could find world class studio musicians that will do the dirty work so I can lay down jack-off solo’s the whole time too.  Yay, Me!   I don’t know who it was, but some brave souls stood up to this beast sometime in the 70’s…his lame shtick FINALLY got older than rancid tamales…and we finally were rid of him.

 Or so we thought. But, just like the Hydra. He returned, older, but no less dangerous. The new heads that had sprouted to replace the old ones….Pop Singers. NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Rob Thomas, Dave Matthews, Vanessa Carleton, Michelle Branch, Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! Same shit, different tune. So now we wait. Wait for either the beast to get to fat and return to it’s lair to die, or some…I don’t know…Hero, comes and rescues all of us from the awful spectre of Santana. I don’t know when or if that day will come. I just pray

 You wanna know what REALLY sucks?   When you THINK that your delicious tasty sandwich has mayo on it… but… oh… wait a sec…EWWW!!!   Whats this disgusting slime on here that has the distinctive tang of semen???  Oh SHIT its Miracle Whip… and motherfuck me with a broken bottle does it SUCK.

   Miracle Whip was devised as a way to help ration eggs and oil during WWII.  Instead of using said eggs and salad oil to make mayonnaise… they used monkey ejaculate and a blend of seasonings hand picked by then President, Franklin D. Roosevelt.

   The idea was to use it as a substitute for the expensive mayonnaise, and as soon as the war ended, people could go back to eating traditional condiments as opposed to the puss of dying road kill.

   BUT as stupid Americans in the 50’s would have it… they kept it around, and sandwiches have not been safe ever since.   People in today’s society now feel free to use it as a substitute for something other than cheap sex lube (which it works quite well as). 

   The fucked up thing is that I know people who say they cant tell a difference.   These are also the same people that eat bowls of poop after dinner and call them ice cream sundaes.

         “The ZEST of Miracle Whip.  Mmmmm I love the tangy ZIP of Miracle Whip!!!”

  I think I hate the word zest. It just doesn’t sound natural coming out of anyone’s mouth unless you were a marketing executive for Kraft.  The only ZIP  I get from Miracle Whip is the spasm of nausea that I get when I realize Ive accidentally eaten some.  I mean the stuff is called Miracle Whip.  A whipped miracle of science and wartime engineering.

The only miracle about this shit is that millions of people still buy it and enjoy ruining their food with it.

Perverts.