You know what sucks?
Joaquin Phoenix.
He TOTALLY sucks.
I picked up We Own The Night from the library the other day, thinking, “Hey, here’s a good chance to see Marky Mark and Joaquin Phoenix shoots guns and get laid for an hour and a half. It even has an Eva Mendez to ogle. Nobody too cerebral or overstuffed, just a good action flick set mostly at night, mostly in the rain. I usually eat this gritty cop shit up, and I did until I got into the 20th minute of nonstop cracked-voice brooding from Joaquin. Jesus Christ, dude, push your hair back, open your eyes, and quit crying for two fucking seconds. The guy only has one facial expression, a clumsy mash-up of slightly tipsy and “my dog just died.” Even when he cracks the rare smile, it’s forced and pathetic.
And then there’s Gladiator, which is essentially the same guilt-ridden angstycharacter, but with a faggy caesar haircut. Remember in Gladiator how all the bitchin action and Russell Crowe amazingosity would stop for no apparent reason other than to showcase the weepy, dark-eyed awkwardness of Joaquin? He was the worst part of an otherwise excellent flick.
“But wait, what about Walk The Line? He learned guitar and sang all those songs himself!”
So fucking what?! Johnny cash wasn’t a brilliant musician because he could play those songs, but because he could WRITE those songs. Those songs are easy as hell to play, and millions of people all over the world can do a bad Johnny Cash impression.
Oh, and Cash didn’t have a hair lip, you disfigured shit.
The wrong brother died!!!!!!!!
11 responses so far ↓
1 Lardy Be // Aug 27, 2008 at 3:57 pm
He was so great in Signs! Fag.
2 Poopsmith Mcgee // Aug 27, 2008 at 4:31 pm
right-fuckin-on
The wrong brother did die…there is no redeemable acting style to Joaquin other than the watery eyed, emo, self indulgent, duchebag style…which he has down.
3 Poopsmith Mcgee // Aug 27, 2008 at 4:31 pm
and he sucked in signs
4 That's SGT. Candy Dandy to you... // Aug 27, 2008 at 4:35 pm
First of all, for one to claim that he was great in signs would be to acknowledge that any part of signs was great. Which it wasn’t. I can’t believe I forgot to mention that he’s an emo icon, thanks for further validating my opinion, poop.
5 Marshall's Chile Con Carne // Aug 27, 2008 at 4:54 pm
Robert Lewonski said it best about Walk The Line “I’ve met Johnny Cash and Johnny Cash isn’t a twerp.” Joaquin Phoenix sucks.
6 Jim // Aug 27, 2008 at 7:05 pm
I really liked him in Fight Club and 30 Seconds to Mars.
7 Danny Anus // Aug 27, 2008 at 8:12 pm
OMG he was SO dreamy in My So Called Life.
8 Kim // Aug 28, 2008 at 12:29 am
weaklings! did you not see his semi-worthy oscar performance in Parenthood?
9 madsilver // Aug 28, 2008 at 12:00 pm
signs is fantastic i loved that part where he realized he was dead at the end
10 River Say's // Aug 29, 2008 at 10:10 am
guess what sucks
“my brother”
11 Jared: ... // Sep 23, 2008 at 3:27 pm
Oh, you mean Leaf Phoenix, I was confused
Leave a Comment